I will not be jealous of other people’s coupledom. I will not be jealous of other people’s coupledom.
Fucking-a man. It’s that time of year again. Just when you think you’ve successfully made it through the holidays. Seeing couples out to dinner. Facebook posts about new engagements. New Year’s Eve photos of crazy parties and midnight kisses. Family holidays where every single person asks you (every single year) “so, you dating anyone new?”. Standard response? “I date, but there’s no one special.” You get all the way through this and make it to January and you think you’re free and clear from being constantly reminded that it seems everyone else has managed to get attached and you’re the only one left who hasn’t been in a relationship that’s lasted more than 3 dates in years. January… the sweet, deceptive, blissful safety of January… shattered the moment you see the first Valentine’s showing up on the Hallmark shelf in CVS.
It’s hard not to be jealous. It’s hard not to secretly wonder why… why you’re the one not attached. Why they choose other women over you. Why, despite being told your entire life that you’re beautiful, and loving and amazing… that no one seems to want any of that. It’s hard not to turn it on yourself and wonder if it’s something about you that they don’t like. Is it my face? Is it my weight? Am I just not likeable? Then you go back to blaming other people. That asshole you spent 6 years of your life devoted to, who never really cared about you at all. Who chewed you up and spit you out, all while keeping you locked up from all the other potential suitors who were off getting attached to other women.
What the fuck, man.
I’m over it. But I’m not. I want what I’ve always wanted. A real love, a real life together and a real family. I want children, and laughter and late nights spent talking and laughing and building memories for a lifetime. A lifetime that I’m well into and thought for sure I’d be sharing with someone else by now.
But I’m not jealous. No. Not at all. Not one bit. When the time is right it will happen, right?