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Monthly Archives: August 2012

It’s a merkin…

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Hey! Remember when THIS happened??

Hey! Remember when THIS happened??

Yep.

Also, this was my work phone.


Menomena ~ Wet and Rusting (LOAF: A Deli Tea Verson)

One of my new favorite bands. I just had to share.


“Chatroulette…. WHILE CARSURFING”

Reason 1,239,937,857 why I adore my friends…

This weekend we’re getting together for a mini-bachelorette party for a amazing gal and friend who’s getting married this month. Ecstatic doesn’t even describe how I feel about all of these girls coming together. Below is a typical email chain between the 5 of us, who first united in perfect estrogen-fueled harmony for my BFF’s wedding 2 years ago. We were all bridesmaids and it started what has turned out to be a fateful meeting of the minds (and crass humor) of some otherwise complete strangers. Now, I consider them soul mates. Sisters in brains, humor and vulgarity. Some of the greatest loves of my life.

This is them…

SUBJECT: this wknd

On Wed, Aug 8, 2012 at 11:24 AM, “FRIEND #1” wrote:

[FRIEND #1] – details? sorry to harass –  i know you’ve been busy!

On Wed, Aug 8, 2012 at 2:20 PM, “FRIEND #2” wrote:

Sorry!!! I’m the worst. And yes, so ridonkulously busy. I usually love my job in the summer (because it’s down time) but not so much this summer!

ANYways, Saturday! Yes!

My idea of a plan (because I’m totally flexible with pretty much everything).  Anyone/everyone come up to Portsmouth around 3 or 4. We’ll meet at [JUST MARRIED #1] and [JUST MARRIED #2]’s house, which they graciously offered for us to take over for the day/night because they’ll be on their honeymoon (so they won’t be there). Cab fare will be on me. All $10 of it…

The address is:

[Da da da da da… poo poo]
Portsmouth, NH 03801

It is literally one block from our house, super easy to get to from the highway.

So I will have a [FRIEND #2 HUSBAND (also known as “daddy”)]-special cocktail on hand and beer and some snacks and we can hang out until everyone gets there. My in-laws are watching [KIDDO OF FRIEND #2] until [FRIEND #2 HUSBAND] gets home from work so I am FREE until Sunday morning.  Once we’ve all gathered, we’ll drive a car downtown (probably mine since it wont’ matter when I pick it up the next day).

If it’s not raining, we’ll have dinner at one of the five restaurants that are part of the “Decks” which are just a bunch of places on the water. If you want to look at the selection the names of some are Poco’s, the Oar House, the River House and one more that I am blanking on.  If it is raining, I’d suggest we eat at the District or Surf, both of which have broad menu selection (price wise and type of food wise) and good drinks.  From there? We’ll just bar hop to wherever. The Dolphin Striker always has a live band, the Gas Light usually has a live band outside and a DJ inside, Fat Bellys and Ri Ra have pretty non-obnoxious crowds, there are pubs, the brewery, fancy drink places, dive bars, prettty much anything we want.

When we’ve all had enough, we’ll cab it home and crash. On Sunday morning, there are several awesome brunch places for anyone who wants to join. [FRIEND #2 HUSBAND} and [KIDDO OF FRIEND #2] will probably join, usually around 10am.  Of course, if you want to go home before that, also totally fine.

I know that [UNDERALILACTREE] has to leave that evening because she has a 5am flight the next day but everyone else is more than welcome (and I hope they will!) to stay over, there are plenty of beds for us to sleep on ([JUST MARRIED #1 & #2] have a finished basement with a guest room, plus they don’t house a baby in their second bedroom so there’s a futon in there, plus a master bedroom which I will sleep in if anyone feels weird).

So let me know if that works and what time to expect you on Saturday! Of COURSE, if anyone wants to come up earlier than 3 to hang out with the [KIDDO OF FRIEND #2] doll, my door is always open. We’re running a 5k in Windham that morning so we should be home around noon.

I’m excited!! Smooches!

[FRIEND #2]

On Aug 8, 2012, at 4:47 PM, “[FRIEND #1]” wrote::

Hi guys –

So I’m in, and I’ll be there around 3pm.  (if not sooner). Caveat – my bestie from college is down the cape for her birthday 8/11-14 (kirsch – [FRIEND #2] you’ve met her). Anyway, she’s down the cape and I’m try to coordinate  time to see her, she usually lives in queens. Depending on her schedule – I might not stay over Saturday night, not to like drive to the cape at midnight, but if I need to drive to the cape for breakfast or something. Whatever!

[FRIEND #2] link me to the 5K! if I can shower at your house (or Madonna’s [nickname for FRIEND #2’S mum]) I might do it. I could use a run (because I’m a lazy sack of shit).

On Aug 8, 2012, at 4:47 PM, “[UNDERALILACTREE]” wrote:

Heya, I will shoot for 3pm-ish, as well. Also, since I have to stay (mostly) sober anyway, we can totally drive my car in. Depending on how late it gets, I may bust out after dinner OR (bonus for you all) I could drive you back to [JUST MARRIED #1 & #2]’s if I stick around late (saving on cab fare). I’m happy to be the desi-chauffeur for the bride. 🙂

On Aug 10, 2012, at 1:09 PM, “[FRIEND #3] wrote:

Sorry I’m late responding.  I’ve had a gross stomach bug for a couple days that landed me in the ER yesterday because I was so dehydrated.  I’m feeling a little better after three bags of fluid and a good nights sleep; I’m still achy and tired today, but I’m alive and well!  Goooooooo, intestinal viruses!  (Viri?)

I may not be totally on my game tomorrow night (like, I may not be attempting backbends and lifting dudes on my back)  [THIS HAS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. I HAVE PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF.] but I’ll be there with bells on to celebrate [THE BRIDE!!!] ‘s betrothal and upcoming virginity loss.

Hey, wanna come up with some kind of Planking scavenger hunt?  I would be happy to pose for a Planking shot next to the wishing well at the Dolphin Striker.  😉

-[FRIEND #3]
Sent from my iPhone

On Aug 10, 2012, at 1:19 PM, “[FRIEND #3] wrote:

Here’s some other ideas just in case you guys aren’t into planking.  If [UNDERALILACTREE]’s gonna be DD I say we smoke some Smarties and mess around with Chatroulette….WHILE CARSURFING.

http://www.parentsociety.com/parenting/parents-beware-11-dangerous-teenage-trends-all-parents-should-know-about/2/

[FRIEND #3]

Sent from my iPhone

On Fri, Aug 10, 2012 at 1:50 PM, [UNDERALILACTREE] wrote:

Sounds perfect. I was already planning on vodka eyeballing.

On Aug 10, 2012 1:58 PM, “[FRIEND #1] wrote:

Wait wait. what kind of asshat tries to aspirate sugar powder? What are they going for? bronchitis? That’s not high.  KIDS THESE DAYS.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure no one is left on chatroulette for us to be molested by, so that’s a bummer.  I was encouraged to learn that this alarmist parenting nightmare list serve thought to direct us to soak tampons in vodka and then use them … I thought the eyeball thing was stupid and was about to suggest booze-douching, but why bother!? Tampons are much simpler!

I hope [THE BRIDE!!!] isn’t nervous about the loss of her virginity, if she is, I think we can fix it by doubling down on the vodka soaked tampons … she can do the  Vag kind and the anal version just like “the boys do.” Seriously what the fuck is this website? Are teenage boys using like junior light tampon?  Like – I’m uptight, I know, but there’s no way I could get a cruddy soaking wet tampon up my butt. Is it still in the applicator? I only have OBs. L please advidse.

On Aug 10, 2012 1:59 PM, “[FRIEND #2 (also known as “wife to daddy”)]”

I say we soak a tampon in purple drank and shove it up [UNDERALILACTREE]’s ass, all live on Chat Roulette….too much?

On Aug 10, 2012 6:58 PM, “The BRIDE”

There couldn’t be an email chain that could have me more excited for a night out… Both on a facetious level because of the absolut tampons and for real because you ladies are pretty effing hilarious. [FRIEND #3], I’m so glad you are feeling better! I’m even more excited to hear about what sex is like, if its half as amazing as the things on that list sound, I’m one lucky lady. See you guys tomorrow!


If you’re interested come to my room…

That is part of the text I received from the woman I rented a room from. It went something like this:

Hmm. So that’s awkward.

Fast forward 4 months and I’ve moved, found a fabulous new apartment with a fantastic (sane) roommate who has no plans to hit on me. Yes!

Then, last night this happened:

Tommy is our 25 year old neighbor whose dad is also our landlord. And, yes. That’s his ‘little tommy’.

FUCK.

Some would say the lesson here is this: Don’t drink with the people you rent from. My question is: since when did it become OK to say or send things like this to people you barely know?

Maybe I’m old fashioned but personally, it takes time for me to get to that point with someone and I absolutely need to know them more than 5 minutes. It’s just vulgar and rude and soooo presumptive for someone to think that I (or anyone, for that matter) would be turned on by that and give any moment’s consideration at all to accepting their proposal.

Who are these people? Do people actually say yes to this? Am I just being uptight and judgmental for thinking I’m better than that?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for a well deserved one night stand or a friends with benefits situation. However, in both of those cases I assume both parties have expressed mutual interest. Not so in these situations. In no way did I flirt with, come on to or indicate that I had any interest in them whatsoever. In fact, I barely like them at all.

And lastly, the weiner picture he sent me was at 4am… clearly there should be no light coming in his windows then. That means this dude keeps pictures of his ‘little tommy’ on his phone to send to people at moment’s notice. Who does that?

Tommy, for the record… I’m not impressed. If you’re going to send me a picture of your member, make sure it’s worth looking at.

That is all.