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I used to…

I used to be beautiful. I used to turn heads when I walked into the room. I used to be the pretty girl in school. I used to know this. I used to never have trouble getting dates. I used to always have a boyfriend. I used to love my body. I used to wear a bikini in the summer. I used to believe that I was beautiful. I used to ride horses every day. I used to be really good at it. I used hike mountains. I used to row varsity crew. I used to be sure of myself. I used to love who I was. I used to live without regrets. I used to have confidence in myself. I used to think that someone would love me. I used to have no doubt that I would be married one day. I used to know I would have kids by 30.  I used to have no trouble telling someone how I felt. I used to be able to brush off rejection. I used to be able to control my tears. I used to be shy. I used to let people walk all over me. I used to trust people no matter what. I used to think I could change him. I used to believe his lies. I used to think we were meant to be. I used to sacrifice myself for who I thought I should be. I used to wait up to hear from him. I used to let him hurt me.  I used to be jealous of his family. I used to drink too much to make it stop hurting. I used to think he was the one. I used to focus too much on what was right, and not enough on what was wrong. I used to know exactly what I wanted. I used to think it was him.

I used to.

(wrote this a few years ago… found it while going through some old archived docs.)

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4 responses to “I used to…

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